![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
unknownseas wrapup
Whether this page should be shouted to an uncaring void or a postmortem confession, it matters not. But after so long, everything has at last reached a point at which even I can not longer restrain my own frustrations within myself.
Every last word I spoke to Seiros was spoken in truth. There is no one possessed of ordinary morality that may understand me, and never has been. My father,my wi Claudi my teacher, those of the Church or elsewhere, it matters not who they are or were.
What others called 'happiness' did not bring me any joy, and I sought for years to find some form of mundane life that would bring me satisfaction. Countless times did I try, seeking and seeking only to be met with disappointment every single time. Until ten years ago, when I was led to reach out to the ritual of the Holy Grail War for a miracle; to make a wish to finally understand myself.
I fought and killed in that endeavor, just as I fought and killed enemies of the Church; and yet now did it begin to unfold before me as something different. When I stood over the body of the man I called 'teacher', I began to grasp the shape of my true self. Standing in the burning ruins of Fuyuki City did the revelation reach me from somewhere as far from God as imaginable.
I knew then that I was born defective, as one who does not understand what people refer to as 'beauty'. That I was an aberration , and yet it was that very nature which defied all I had ever known.
God is absolute. Therefore, it would not follow that my creation would be called a mistake, lest God be proven fallible. And yet what else could it be called; something born 'evil', with the will to do 'good' but no desire for it. Ever since that day I have asked the question: is it a crime to live as you are, when you are different from others?
No human can answer this, for humans know 'good' and 'evil' as they are; one acceptable, one objectionable. I can not answer it myself, for my very existence conflicts with my morality. Those who understand good and evil know well that I am something which can not be allowed to live.
I sought that which lives within the Holy Grail, corrupting and twisting it: Angra Mainyu. An existence made to personify 'evil', the answer of a wish for 'something to blame for all evils of the world' sleeps within a device meant to grant impossible wishes. Angra Mainyu is as it was created: made only to destroy. But what does it think of its own actions?
If Angra Mainyu agonizes over its actions, if it recognizes them as 'wrong', then it is immoral beyond measure and deserving of destruction. But if it harbors no doubts about its actions, if it does as it was intended, then it can not be blamed for functioning exactly as what others wished for in its creation.
God has never answered my endless prayers, even when I screamed frustrations until my throat was raw. Even when that woman died, even when I found my father dead in the chapel. But when I was killed a decade ago, it was Avenger that reached out and took root in a heart long since blackened and empty. That dark corruption answered my wish, and I sought it again desperate for a true conclusion to that over which I have agonized my entire life.
I did not ask to be created this way. If God wished this a trial to be overcome, then I have sought and sought to overcome it. But if my reason for existing was to be as Angra Mainyu is--'evil' in construct and intent--then there is nothing I can do but surrender my own hesitation and embrace all that I have done and all those I have killed to reach that conclusion.
-Kirei Kotomine
[Added later, an afterthought:]
To whatever hands this may fall into: tell Caren Hortensia her father is dead. She won't remember enough to care, but I assume a normal person would want her to know.
Every last word I spoke to Seiros was spoken in truth. There is no one possessed of ordinary morality that may understand me, and never has been. My father,
What others called 'happiness' did not bring me any joy, and I sought for years to find some form of mundane life that would bring me satisfaction. Countless times did I try, seeking and seeking only to be met with disappointment every single time. Until ten years ago, when I was led to reach out to the ritual of the Holy Grail War for a miracle; to make a wish to finally understand myself.
I fought and killed in that endeavor, just as I fought and killed enemies of the Church; and yet now did it begin to unfold before me as something different. When I stood over the body of the man I called 'teacher', I began to grasp the shape of my true self. Standing in the burning ruins of Fuyuki City did the revelation reach me from somewhere as far from God as imaginable.
I knew then that I was born defective, as one who does not understand what people refer to as 'beauty'. That I was an aberration , and yet it was that very nature which defied all I had ever known.
God is absolute. Therefore, it would not follow that my creation would be called a mistake, lest God be proven fallible. And yet what else could it be called; something born 'evil', with the will to do 'good' but no desire for it. Ever since that day I have asked the question: is it a crime to live as you are, when you are different from others?
No human can answer this, for humans know 'good' and 'evil' as they are; one acceptable, one objectionable. I can not answer it myself, for my very existence conflicts with my morality. Those who understand good and evil know well that I am something which can not be allowed to live.
I sought that which lives within the Holy Grail, corrupting and twisting it: Angra Mainyu. An existence made to personify 'evil', the answer of a wish for 'something to blame for all evils of the world' sleeps within a device meant to grant impossible wishes. Angra Mainyu is as it was created: made only to destroy. But what does it think of its own actions?
If Angra Mainyu agonizes over its actions, if it recognizes them as 'wrong', then it is immoral beyond measure and deserving of destruction. But if it harbors no doubts about its actions, if it does as it was intended, then it can not be blamed for functioning exactly as what others wished for in its creation.
God has never answered my endless prayers, even when I screamed frustrations until my throat was raw. Even when that woman died, even when I found my father dead in the chapel. But when I was killed a decade ago, it was Avenger that reached out and took root in a heart long since blackened and empty. That dark corruption answered my wish, and I sought it again desperate for a true conclusion to that over which I have agonized my entire life.
I did not ask to be created this way. If God wished this a trial to be overcome, then I have sought and sought to overcome it. But if my reason for existing was to be as Angra Mainyu is--'evil' in construct and intent--then there is nothing I can do but surrender my own hesitation and embrace all that I have done and all those I have killed to reach that conclusion.
-Kirei Kotomine
[Added later, an afterthought:]
To whatever hands this may fall into: tell Caren Hortensia her father is dead. She won't remember enough to care, but I assume a normal person would want her to know.
no subject
motive week 6: A photograph of four people viewing cherry blossoms in spring. With it, a note: Kirei Kotomine loses the Holy Grail War, dying unfulfilled and unmourned. Angra Mainyu is separated from Sakura Matou, and destroyed by Emiya Shirou.
Left in his room apart from the letter and motive are a stolen sword from the museum, a spare set of clothes identical except for a bullet hole and bloodstains in the chest, one Black Key, and a photograph.